Sunday, May 30, 2010


I was just sitting there holding Riley and singing her her favorite silly "Where is Riley" song and rocking her back to sleep. Every time I would stop she would then start humming it as to say, "don't you dare stop... or I'll scream". She has become so cuddly lately and it is so sweet to see how much she loves us! I was thinking about this earlier while laying on the couch with Liam as he was falling asleep. He tells me at least ten times a day how much he loves me and how "I haven't gotten to wuv you all day...!" at the end of every day and most mornings too, lol. He is so sweet and kindhearted, and I just pray every night he can endure this and make it through everything we go through and never loose these qualities. I know these years will not last forever and before I know it the kids will be teenagers. That's another one of my greatest fears. As quickly as time has past since Riley has been born I'm afraid these next 5 or 10 years are going to fly by in one big blur and I'm going to miss all of this time that is so precious with my children. It's not like we get a choice most days. I can't reschedule Riley's fever she decides to get at the last minute. This then means Liam wakes up the next morning with Mommy and Riley just gone to the hospital in Orlando, again. Never being able to say when we will be able to return home or when he will see us next. I think we all have some sort of fears about raising our children. I think we all have certain things that we all make a point to do differently than the way we were raised. I fear though that given our situation I wont be able to change the things for my children that I desperately want to be different.

I struggle everyday with my feelings towards my entire family. It has actually been a huge burden on me, especially lately. My feeling are making it so we can't have much if any relationship at all. It is very painful to not have them here supporting us. I wish so much things were different, but I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it never will be. I wish so much my family was important to them. It feels like this has been an impossible thing we have been asked to go through, some of you know ALL the issues we deal with and face, and yet we are still somehow standing today . We are still fighting no matter how many blows we take, NO ONE thought we would be, everyone said it was hopeless. The statistics were so against us it was crazy to even think we could beat this. We have come so far and we are so much stronger now, as a Family (Wil, Liam, Riley, and I). Some have been there at times and other's ran quickly after all this started but no one has been there with us through it all. Money is not everything, it is desperately needed at times of course, but it does not make up for everything. Family is supposed to be your support, your consistency, there for you when you need someone to cry to. Through all the hard times! They are the only one's you are supposed to be able to count on to be there for you in times like these. But as I have said before I am so thankful for everything I have been through in my life. Everything from my past prepared me be a fighter and be strong, ultimately to be Riley's mother. And I will make sure I am always there for my children and I will never let them be alone or go through anything alone. Parents say you will always be their baby, well I will stick to my word. Just as I have never let Riley spend one night of her life in the hospital alone (and most of you know that's A LOT of nights) I will never no matter if she is 30 let her go through anything alone if I know she needs me. I can not fathom making it through a day knowing she is struggling and fighting so hard on her own and not being there to help ease her burden in any way I could. I will never let anything or anyone stand in my way of being there for my children. NOTHING would stop me. Life is to precious. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. If you died today would you be happy with what you've done in your life? Or how you have left things! I guess it all comes down to priorities and what is important to you. Saying, "It's not that easy" is a cop out! Nothing in life is easy. If you feel strongly about something it is easy. I wouldn't want any person in my life like that anyways! We will survive this and come out stronger in the end. Our Family will all continue to beat the odds no matter what!

1 comment:

Dawn said...

Is this how you feel about all of your family?